Dumb Headlines

From my email inbox:

Newspaper headlines that are truly head spinners.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two
 
or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
 
 
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 
Really? Ya think? —————————————————————————-
 
 
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far! _____________________________
 
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 
What a guy! 
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death 
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s! 
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 
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War Dims Hope for Peace 
I can see where it might have that effect! 
 
 

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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile 
Ya think?! 
———————————————————————–
 
 
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! 
—————————————————————-
 
 
 
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 
They may be on to something! 
————————————————————————
 
 
 
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges 
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape? 
———————————————————-
 
 
 
 
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge 
He probably IS the battery charge! 
———————————————-
 
 
 
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 
Weren’t they fat enough?! 
 
 
 
 

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 
 
 

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors 
Boy, are they tall! 
 
 
 

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And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 
Did I read that right? 
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Democracy

Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.

– H.L. Mencken

Sex

Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.

– Marilyn Monroe

Time

Time is the longest distance between two places.

– Tennessee Williams

The fact that we are here today…

The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of failure. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better. I, therefore, intend to oppose the effort to increase America’s debt.

– Barack Obama

Heaven

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

– Mark Twain

Hating

Hating people because of their color is wrong. And it doesn’t matter which color does the hating. It’s just plain wrong.

– Muhammad Ali

Bladder

I don’t need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

– Stephen Fry

Answer

There ain’t no answer. There ain’t gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. That’s the answer.

– Gertrude Srein

Zen lives in the present

Zen lives in the present. The whole teaching is: how to be in the present; how to get out of the past which is no more and how not to get involved in the future which is not yet, and just to be rooted, centered, in that which is.

– Osho

Alone

If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.

– Jean-Paul Sartre

Conversation

“A single conversation across the table with a wise person is worth a month’s study of books.”

– Chinese Proverb

Music

Music is everybody’s possession. It’s only publishers who think that people own it.

– John Lennon

Being

Being is. Being is in-itself. Being is what it is.

– Jean-Paul Sartre

Stupidity

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Water

We’ll never know the worth of water till the well go dry.

– Irish Proverb

Adult Realizations

From my email inbox:

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again!

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word / Excel / PowerPoint, etc. and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front at the last minute, after ignoring signs to merge lanes. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. But pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Carpe Diem