Found in the email.

·      Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

·      Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet!

·      The day the world runs out of wine & beer is just too terrible to think about!

·      I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

·      I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off!

·      Old age is coming at a really bad time!

·      When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

·      The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

·      Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

·      I don’t have gray hair.  I have “wisdom highlights”.  I’m just very wise.

·      My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

·      Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

·      If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.

·      The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.  I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.

·      I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

·      I’m going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

·      When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?

·      I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!

·      Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!

·      Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

·      Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

·      Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

·      Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

·      At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.