She’s basking in the fake sun, reading fake news, and working on her fake tan.
Tag: Humor
Eagles
Bumper Sticker
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
~ George Carlin
Bananas
Comic Strips
In comic strips, the person the left always speaks first. -George Carlin
Serious Novels
1072
for
sunday
day
dinner
baloney
and
cheese
sandwiches
with
a
bag
of
potato
chips
a
meal
fit
for
a
king
Short Story
Walking down the street, there was a sign in the window, Opening Soon! A different kind of restaurant. The name: Bring Your Own Food And Drinks Restaurant. We prepare and cook it. No waiters, waitresses and bus boys. Plus, the patrons wash the plates, cutlery, etc. Cost of doing business, is negotiable.
The future of dining, has finally arrived.
Steven Wright Quote
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, do you have any toy train schedules? -Steven Wright
One Sentence Fiction
He’s a firm believer, of tin foil hat conspiracies.
Clock
Born: December 28, 1911 – Died: August 27, 1980
Humorist
Toast
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~Steven Wright
Six Word Story
Making a long story short. Done.
Six Word Story
The wise man is uttering nonsense.
Short Story
Blustery winds doing a number with her freshly styled hair. It makes her like she was ready for a casting call, for a horror movie.
Eating
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~Author unknown
Six Word Story
He’s known as the orange menace.
George Carlin Quote
Six Word Story #2
Orange man doesn’t save the day.
It Is Inhumane…
One Sentence Fiction #8
Having an enlightening conversation with a clothing store mannequin.
Short Story
The well known eccentric man of means, takes his battery operated toy poodle for a walk. When asked he walks a toy dog he replies, the dog needs to do its daily constitution. He tells people, that he is sick and tired of waking up in the morning, to see a puddle of pee, and a mound of shit on the floor. He never did say what he supposedly feeds the so-called dog, besides new batteries.
896
mountain climbing
wearing roller blades
Political Joke
One Sentence Fiction #3
He uses a fork to eat potato chips.
One Sentence Fiction #2
He’s known as the man with the dead pan voice of ribald humor.
Sense Of Humor
865
people
watching
is
a
fun
thing
to
do
as
it
helps
pass
the
time
away
864
writing a letter
with invisible ink
Bob Newhart
Born: September 5, 1929
848
eating spaghetti
with a toothpick
847
using a hairnet to
catch butterflies
George Carlin’s Use Of The Word “Fat”
Short Story
A big glob of bird shit landed squarely on the top of the old man’s head. Not a great way to ruin an otherwise great day that he was enjoying, with his friends.
Pizza
840
slap a dap dap
don’t give a crap
Quick Fiction
The usher wore a speedo and flip-flops, while seating the guests, at his best friend’s wedding. It did not go well, for most of the people made sure to keep some distance from him.
Thinking
806
watching fake news
on an imaginary TV
Federico Felini “Life”
Short Story
After watching the hamster wheel for who knows how long, it made her drowsy. A few minutes later, she fell asleep, face down on a plate of scrambled eggs, loaded with ketchup.
779
rise and shine
it’s fake news time
761
washing the
floor with
a toothbrush
can be time
consuming
731
on a roll, uphill
727
using a toothpick
to spread peanut
butter on white
bread
719
in the alternate
universe
the sun
rises in the west
and sets in the east
717
eating pea soup
using a salad fork
Short Story
She had the odd look on her face, like she has two heads and four tits, and never said a word.
683
yuge
snow
storm
today
648
Mark this date:
on January 31, 2017
at 8:00 pm Eastern
7:00 pm Central
6:00 pm Mountain
5:00 pm Pacific
gather the family
get your popcorn ready
set your dvrs
as he’s not my president
will announce live
and in living color
orange being the
dominant color
his choice for
the vacant seat
on the Supreme Court
George Carlin – American Dream
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
638
Today I had two cheeseburgers
they was yuge, really yuge
I know more about cheeseburgers
than, than all the hamburger
makers in the entire world
I’m smart*
*alternative facts
635
my blog gets
2 billion hits
an hour
don’t let the
other dishonest
bloggers tell you
different
sad*
*alternative facts
535
pickle
sickle
nickel
do
howdy
dowdy
cloudy
pooh
524
chasing an imaginary butterfly
520
damn
its
cold
says
the
man
wearing
nothing
but
his
speedos
and
flip
flops
512
bake
a
fake
cake
511
spreading good cheer
with a sprinkle
of nonsense
509
yippee dippy do
smell the dog pooh
yippee dippy do
474
Slap a dap
cap a snap
tap a crap
457
Shoveling
shit
into
a
gale
force
wind
will
come
back
at
you
Memory
Reading Quote
Humor Quote
Quick Fiction
After a half hour
on the treadmill,
he sits down and
has a breakfast of
three jelly doughnuts,
and he washes them down with
a quart of milk.
When he’s done, he plops
his fat ass on the couch,
and belches away like a lion
on steroids.
Six Word Story
For breakfast, she eats cat food.
Short Story
The special of the day at a local
restaurant is Skunk Soup with
French Bread.
Sadly, there were no takers.
338
Trying to climb
Mt Everest wearing
roller skates
Getting nowhere
337
A hippo in
the bath tub
Six Word Story
Humpty lumpty dumpty stumpy frumpy Trumpy.
The Yam Man
Whenever I read or hear
The different nicknames
The people call Trump
Orange man
Orange spray tan
Orange buffoon
Etc etc etc
I tend to call him
The Yam Man
I love yams
But the next time
I see a yam on my plate
I will either bust out laughing
Or refuse to eat it
What a predicament to be in
224
When I was young
an elderly lady
friend of the family
asked me what would
I like to when you
get older
I told her I want
to be a blogger and
write all kinds of stuff
serious and not so
serious
and also write some
dumb worthless shit
She said go for it
and now I am doing
the very thing I set
out to do
210
Inky
dinky
do
the
bird
just
crapped
on
you
****************
Humor
No harm intended
207
He says
he can
walk on
water
So to
prove
it
he walks
across a
puddle
and he
proclaimed
to everybody
that he
did it
All the
people who
witnessed it
snickered
knowing that
he was a
couple of
eggs short
of a dozen.
*****************
A short fictional story
204
Swimming
in
a
sea
of
molasses
getting
nowhere
fast
189
Swinging on the rope
didn’t watch where he was going
slammed into a big ass oak tree
187
Shared a banana split
Gave the other half
of the banana to the
crying kid
183
Weatherman says
be prepared for
the three Hs
Holy Hell it’s Hot
179
Go
outside
start
laughing
then
watch
the
looks
they
give
you
177
Dog pees
on a person’s
leg
Thought it
was a fire
hydrant
158
First name
is Donald
but I am
not a
Trump
Phew
Glad to
clear that up
*************
Just being
a smart ass
155
Went to
see the
food at
the sea
food
section
of the
local
grocer
Didn’t see
any sea food
Sign said
sold out
because
fishermen
on strike
134
Swinging from
the chandelier
he makes
his grand
entrance
only he ended
up landing
on his ass
as the whole
light fixture
was torn from
the ceiling
131
Owl perched
on a branch
says who
Nearby is
another owl
and says who
I said who
is who
and both
owls said
who who
and asked
who is who
so both owls
said who who
Enough of
their nonsense
as I was getting
nowhere as to
who was who
121
If I was
a donkey
then they
would call
me a
braying ass
117
She was all
a giggle watching
Slap Happy Jack
riding is unicycle
in small circles
which was about
100 times or
so that he
got dizzy and
crashed into
a parked car
and was embarrassed
when he realized
what had happened
not to mention
his unicycle has
seen better days
107
Humor
me
he
said
Ha ha
she
said
Sadly
he
was
at
a
loss
106
Walking
a
tight
rope
wearing
ice
skates
Not
going
to
happen
96
Woman screaming
loudly like a
hyena gone nuts
Puzzled passersby
calls police
They show up
Ask her why
she is screaming
Her answer
I felt like it
Oh the cops said
and they went
on their
merry way
89
Next door
neighbor ordered
a pizza and to
his surprise it
was so soggy
that he called
the police and
he wanted the
pizza owner
arrested and
charged with
selling soggy pizza
Instead they took
the crackpot neighbor
to the psyche ward
for evaluation
15
I raise a slice
of toast for
giving a toast
to all who are
having toast
wether it is
light toast
or dark toast
A toast to you
with a toast
Spiders
First Day
At 12:30 a.m.
on March 20
Spring will
be sprung
Boing
Boing
Boing
Quote By Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Source: Quote By Steven Wright
Quote By Mitch Hedberg
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”
Source: Quote By Mitch Hedberg
John Cleese Quote
Weekends
Weekends are made
to do nothing.
But wait …
Since I’m already
retired, everyday
is do nothing days.
Following Directions
Read the directions on
the shampoo bottle:
It says to apply,
wash and rinse.
Repeat
So I did
Apply, wash and
rinse
Repeat
And I did
and again
and again
and again
Soon I ran
out of hot
water, which
soon became
cold and still
with shampoo
on my head.
——————-
Just a bit of humor
Quote From Kurt Vonnegut’s Book, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Quote source: http://wordables.com
Children Can Be Sharp
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
