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Tag Archives: Humor
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. ~ Steven Wright
Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison. ~ Lord Chesterfield
Lord Chesterfield – British Statesman 1694 – 1773
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred. ~ Pico Iyer
Pico Iyer, Time
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” ~ Stan Laurel
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? ~ George Carlin
Cheese: A Short Story
Eating cheese. Lots of cheese, as in Cheddar cheese. Yummy. Woke up in the morning, constipated. Not a good way to start off the day.
One Sentence Fiction
Jim is having a wonderful conversation with the bathroom mirror.
Oxford Comma
An Oxford comma walks into a bar. Orders a gin, and tonic. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2013 July 30th tweet
Pets – Anne Tyler
Steven Wright Quote
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright
Nonsense
One Sentence Fiction
She’s basking in the fake sun, reading fake news, and working on her fake tan.
Eagles
Bumper Sticker
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin
Bananas
Serious Novels
Short Story
Walking down the street, there was a sign in the window, Opening Soon! A different kind of restaurant. The name: Bring Your Own Food And Drinks Restaurant. We prepare and cook it. No waiters, waitresses and bus boys. Plus, the patrons wash the plates, cutlery, etc. Cost of doing business, is negotiable. The future of […]
Steven Wright Quote
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, do you have any toy train schedules? -Steven Wright
Clock
Born: December 28, 1911 – Died: August 27, 1980 Humorist
Toast
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~Steven Wright
Six Word Story
Making a long story short. Done.
Six Word Story
The wise man is uttering nonsense.
Short Story
Blustery winds doing a number with her freshly styled hair. It makes her like she was ready for a casting call, for a horror movie.
Eating
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? ~Author unknown
Six Word Story
He’s known as the orange menace.
George Carlin Quote
Six Word Story #2
Orange man doesn’t save the day.
It Is Inhumane…
Refe99.Com
One Sentence Fiction #8
Having an enlightening conversation with a clothing store mannequin.
Short Story
The well known eccentric man of means, takes his battery operated toy poodle for a walk. When asked he walks a toy dog he replies, the dog needs to do its daily constitution. He tells people, that he is sick and tired of waking up in the morning, to see a puddle of pee, and […]
Political Joke
AZQuotes.com
One Sentence Fiction #3
He uses a fork to eat potato chips.
One Sentence Fiction #2
He’s known as the man with the dead pan voice of ribald humor.
Sense Of Humor
Picture Quotes . com
Bob Newhart
Born: September 5, 1929
George Carlin’s Use Of The Word “Fat”
Short Story
A big glob of bird shit landed squarely on the top of the old man’s head. Not a great way to ruin an otherwise great day that he was enjoying, with his friends.
Pizza
Picture Quotes . com
Quick Fiction
The usher wore a speedo and flip-flops, while seating the guests, at his best friend’s wedding. It did not go well, for most of the people made sure to keep some distance from him.
Thinking
Picture Quotes
Federico Felini “Life”
Fab Quote
Short Story
She had the odd look on her face, like she has two heads and four tits, and never said a word.
George Carlin – American Dream
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
Memory
Picture Quotes
Reading Quote
Picture Quotes
Humor Quote
Picture Quotes
Quick Fiction
After a half hour on the treadmill, he sits down and has a breakfast of three jelly doughnuts, and he washes them down with a quart of milk. When he’s done, he plops his fat ass on the couch, and belches away like a lion on steroids.
Six Word Story
For breakfast, she eats cat food.
Short Story
The special of the day at a local restaurant is Skunk Soup with French Bread. Sadly, there were no takers.
Six Word Story
Humpty lumpty dumpty stumpy frumpy Trumpy.
The Yam Man
Whenever I read or hear The different nicknames The people call Trump Orange man Orange spray tan Orange buffoon Etc etc etc I tend to call him The Yam Man I love yams But the next time I see a yam on my plate I will either bust out laughing Or refuse to eat it […]
Spiders
First Day
At 12:30 a.m. on March 20 Spring will be sprung Boing Boing Boing
Quote By Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” Source: Quote By Steven Wright
Quote By Mitch Hedberg
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” Source: Quote By Mitch Hedberg
John Cleese Quote
“The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.” – John Cleese http://www.bquot.es/s/2323
Weekends
Weekends are made to do nothing. But wait … Since I’m already retired, everyday is do nothing days.
Following Directions
Read the directions on the shampoo bottle: It says to apply, wash and rinse. Repeat So I did Apply, wash and rinse Repeat And I did and again and again and again Soon I ran out of hot water, which soon became cold and still with shampoo on my head. ——————- Just a bit of […]
Quote From Kurt Vonnegut’s Book, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Quote source: http://wordables.com
Children Can Be Sharp
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
Steven Wright Quote
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. – Steven Wright
Chicago
Steven Wright Quote
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. – Steven Wright
Books – George Carlin Quote
Yoga
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it – Steven Wright
Idiot
Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1808
Humor Quote
A A Milne
“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.” – Alan A. Milne http://www.bquot.es/s/3588
Steven Wright Humor Quote
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1813
Humor Quote – John Lennon
“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.” – John Lennon http://www.bquot.es/s/178
Rest In Peace Yogi Berra
“We’re lost, but we’re making good time” – Yogi Berra http://www.bquot.es/s/1149
Saturday Humor Quote
“If the world was perfect, it wouldn’t be.” – Yogi Berra http://www.bquot.es/s/1151
Monday Humor Quote
Humor Quote
“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2153
Humor Quote
Door
Someone knocked on the door. I said that nobody is here. The person went on his merry way. Humor is a good thing!
Nothing
Went to the store. Bought nothing.
Friday Humor Quote
Fabulous Quotes
Tuesday Humor
Monday
Friday Evening Humor
Friday Morning Humor Quote
Steven Wright Quote.
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1811
Friday Afternoon Quote
Wednesday Morning Quote
Rudyard Kipling English Writer Born: December 30, 1865 – Died: January 18, 1936 brainyquote.com
Thursday Humor Quote
Saturday Afternoon Quote
“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.” – Theodore Roosevelt http://www.bquot.es/s/1999
Saturday Humor
Unknown
He Said/She Said Thursday Morning Edition
He: Good morning dear. She: What’s so good about it. He: Silently thinking that the shit is about to hit the fan, Now what did I do, or didn’t do? She: I couldn’t sleep because of your damn snoring! He: I don’t snore. She: What do you mean you don’t snore. You sound like a […]
Wednesday Evening Humor
Tuesday Evening Humor
Day Starts Backwards
Anonymous
Dogs
Anonymous
This Guy Is A Genius
Steven Wright Quote
“Right now Im having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1805
Stephen Fry Quote
“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2153
