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Tag Archives: Humor
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” ~ Stan Laurel
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? ~ George Carlin
Oxford Comma
An Oxford comma walks into a bar. Orders a gin, and tonic. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2013 July 30th tweet
Pets – Anne Tyler
Steven Wright Quote
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright
Nonsense
One Sentence Fiction
She’s basking in the fake sun, reading fake news, and working on her fake tan.
Eagles
Bumper Sticker
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin
Bananas
Serious Novels
George Carlin Quote
It Is Inhumane…
Refe99.Com
Bob Newhart
Born: September 5, 1929
George Carlin’s Use Of The Word “Fat”
Thinking
Picture Quotes
Federico Felini “Life”
Fab Quote
Short Story
She had the odd look on her face, like she has two heads and four tits, and never said a word.
George Carlin – American Dream
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
Memory
Picture Quotes
Six Word Story
For breakfast, she eats cat food.
Short Story
The special of the day at a local restaurant is Skunk Soup with French Bread. Sadly, there were no takers.
Spiders
First Day
At 12:30 a.m. on March 20 Spring will be sprung Boing Boing Boing
Quote By Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” Source: Quote By Steven Wright
John Cleese Quote
“The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.” – John Cleese http://www.bquot.es/s/2323
Following Directions
Read the directions on the shampoo bottle: It says to apply, wash and rinse. Repeat So I did Apply, wash and rinse Repeat And I did and again and again and again Soon I ran out of hot water, which soon became cold and still with shampoo on my head. ——————- Just a bit ofContinue reading “Following Directions”
Quote From Kurt Vonnegut’s Book, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Quote source: http://wordables.com
Children Can Be Sharp
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
Steven Wright Quote
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. – Steven Wright
Chicago
Steven Wright Quote
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. – Steven Wright
Books – George Carlin Quote
Yoga
Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it – Steven Wright
Idiot
Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1808
Humor Quote
A A Milne
“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.” – Alan A. Milne http://www.bquot.es/s/3588
Steven Wright Humor Quote
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1813
Humor Quote – John Lennon
“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.” – John Lennon http://www.bquot.es/s/178
Rest In Peace Yogi Berra
“We’re lost, but we’re making good time” – Yogi Berra http://www.bquot.es/s/1149
Monday Humor Quote
Humor Quote
“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2153
Humor Quote
Door
Someone knocked on the door. I said that nobody is here. The person went on his merry way. Humor is a good thing!
Nothing
Went to the store. Bought nothing.
Tuesday Humor
Monday
Friday Evening Humor
Friday Morning Humor Quote
Steven Wright Quote.
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1811
Friday Afternoon Quote
Wednesday Morning Quote
Rudyard Kipling English Writer Born: December 30, 1865 – Died: January 18, 1936 brainyquote.com
Thursday Humor Quote
Saturday Humor
Unknown
He Said/She Said Thursday Morning Edition
He: Good morning dear. She: What’s so good about it. He: Silently thinking that the shit is about to hit the fan, Now what did I do, or didn’t do? She: I couldn’t sleep because of your damn snoring! He: I don’t snore. She: What do you mean you don’t snore. You sound like aContinue reading “He Said/She Said Thursday Morning Edition”
Wednesday Evening Humor
Tuesday Evening Humor
Day Starts Backwards
Anonymous
Dogs
Anonymous
Key To Happiness
Anonymous
Life’s Journey …….
This Has Happened To Me A Few Times, And It Sucks
I Hate It When A Customer Service Does This
Good Answer
Prescription Coffee
Yawn
Unknown author
Sunset
Charles M. Schulz Quote
Brainy Quote
Yogi Berra Quote
Vision Test
Humor Quote
Humor Quote
Robin Williams Quote
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.” – Robin Williams http://www.bquot.es/s/870
Steven Wright Quote
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1816
Mitch Hedberg Quote
“You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.” – Mitch Hedberg http://www.bquot.es/s/1773
Steven Wright Quote
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1814
Humor Quote By Groucho Marx
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx http://www.bquot.es/s/2126
Springtime In New England
We all could use a little humor, especially with all the snow that was dumped on us.
The Left-Handed Whopper
The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty,Continue reading “The Left-Handed Whopper”
Quote~ Marilyn Monroe
“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?” – Marilyn Monroe http://www.bquot.es/s/2052
Steven Wright Quote
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1815
Humor Quote – Yogi Berra
Humor Quote – Mark Twain
“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.” – Mark Twain http://www.bquot.es/s/286
Quote
“A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion” – George Orwell http://www.bquot.es/s/2740
Police Work At Its Best
From the email inbox: ********************* Two policemen call the station on the radio: “Hello. Is that the Sarge?” “Yes.” “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped clean.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Over The Hill
Humor Quote By Stan Laurel
“If you had a face like mine, you’d punch me right on the nose, and I’m just the fella to do it.” – Stan Laurel http://www.bquot.es/s/2401
Steven Wright Quote
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1819
George Carlin Quote
The Italian Lover
From the email inbox: ********************* The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired toContinue reading “The Italian Lover”
Stephen Fry Quote
“Moving from chair to chair, from coffee machine to coffee machine is the limit of my action in most films. But I enjoy being cast in them because I love watching them.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2152
Alfred Hitchcock Quote
“I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.” – Alfred Hitchcock http://www.bquot.es/s/826
Debate
Found this in the email. ************************ I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.Continue reading “Debate”
George Carlin Quote
“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.” George Carlin
Time
Jim Morrison Quote
“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments” – Jim Morrison
Irish Blond
Irish blond An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down,Continue reading “Irish Blond”
