James Thurber – American Author and Comedian ~ 1894 – 1961
“As I See Religion”. Book by Harry Emerson Fosdick, 1932. Preacher, 1878 – 1969
Watching a mysterious mystery which in turn is a total mystery to figure out as its a complete and ultimate mystery to seek answers to the mystery of all mysteries
Lord Chesterfield – British Statesman 1694 – 1773
An Oxford comma walks into a bar. Orders a gin, and tonic. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2013 July 30th tweet
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright
She’s basking in the fake sun, reading fake news, and working on her fake tan.
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin
Born: September 5, 1929
She had the odd look on her face, like she has two heads and four tits, and never said a word.
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
For breakfast, she eats cat food.
The special of the day at a local restaurant is Skunk Soup with French Bread. Sadly, there were no takers.
At 12:30 a.m. on March 20 Spring will be sprung Boing Boing Boing
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” Source: Quote By Steven Wright
“The English contribution to world cuisine – the chip.” – John Cleese http://www.bquot.es/s/2323
Read the directions on the shampoo bottle: It says to apply, wash and rinse. Repeat So I did Apply, wash and rinse Repeat And I did and again and again and again Soon I ran out of hot water, which soon became cold and still with shampoo on my head. ——————- Just a bit ofContinue reading “Following Directions”
Quote source: http://wordables.com
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things. – Steven Wright
It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature. – Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it – Steven Wright
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1808
“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it’s not all mixed up.” – Alan A. Milne http://www.bquot.es/s/3588
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1813
“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.” – John Lennon http://www.bquot.es/s/178
“We’re lost, but we’re making good time” – Yogi Berra http://www.bquot.es/s/1149
“Old Professors never die, they just lose their faculties.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2153
Someone knocked on the door. I said that nobody is here. The person went on his merry way. Humor is a good thing!
Went to the store. Bought nothing.
“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1811
Rudyard Kipling English Writer Born: December 30, 1865 – Died: January 18, 1936 brainyquote.com
“The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.” – Theodore Roosevelt http://www.bquot.es/s/1999
He: Good morning dear. She: What’s so good about it. He: Silently thinking that the shit is about to hit the fan, Now what did I do, or didn’t do? She: I couldn’t sleep because of your damn snoring! He: I don’t snore. She: What do you mean you don’t snore. You sound like aContinue reading “He Said/She Said Thursday Morning Edition”
“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time.” – Robin Williams http://www.bquot.es/s/870
“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1816
“You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it, I don’t need another step between me and toast.” – Mitch Hedberg http://www.bquot.es/s/1773
“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1814
“Before I speak, I have something important to say.” – Groucho Marx http://www.bquot.es/s/2126
We all could use a little humor, especially with all the snow that was dumped on us.
The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty,Continue reading “The Left-Handed Whopper”
“Ever notice how ‘What the hell’ is always the right answer?” – Marilyn Monroe http://www.bquot.es/s/2052
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1815
“Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.” – Mark Twain http://www.bquot.es/s/286
“A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion” – George Orwell http://www.bquot.es/s/2740
From the email inbox: ********************* Two policemen call the station on the radio: “Hello. Is that the Sarge?” “Yes.” “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped clean.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No sir. The floor is still wet.”
“If you had a face like mine, you’d punch me right on the nose, and I’m just the fella to do it.” – Stan Laurel http://www.bquot.es/s/2401
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1819
From the email inbox: ********************* The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired toContinue reading “The Italian Lover”
“Moving from chair to chair, from coffee machine to coffee machine is the limit of my action in most films. But I enjoy being cast in them because I love watching them.” – Stephen Fry http://www.bquot.es/s/2152