Tag Archives: Humor

The Sun

“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.”

~ Galileo Galilei

A Mystery

Watching
a mysterious
mystery
which in
turn is
a total
mystery
to figure
out
as its
a complete
and ultimate
mystery
to seek
answers
to the
mystery
of all
mysteries

Oxford Comma

An Oxford comma walks into a bar. Orders a gin, and tonic.
~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2013 July 30th tweet

Bumper Sticker

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
~ George Carlin

Short Story

She had the odd look on her face, like she has two heads and four tits, and never said a word.

Following Directions

Read the directions on
the shampoo bottle:
It says to apply,
wash and rinse.
Repeat
So I did
Apply, wash and
rinse
Repeat
And I did
and again
and again
and again
Soon I ran
out of hot
water, which
soon became
cold and still
with shampoo
on my head.

——————-
Just a bit of humor

Steven Wright Quote

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

– Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it

– Steven Wright

Door

Someone knocked
on the door.
I said that
nobody is here.
The person
went on his
merry way.

Humor is a
good thing!

He Said/She Said Thursday Morning Edition

He: Good morning dear.
She: What’s so good about it.
He: Silently thinking that the shit is
about to hit the fan, Now what did I do,
or didn’t do?
She: I couldn’t sleep because of your damn
snoring!
He: I don’t snore.
She: What do you mean you don’t snore. You
sound like a bull on steroids. You really do.
He: How could I be snoring, now that I am
talking to you.
She: Of course your not snoring now, its when
your sound asleep.
He: I really don’t snore.
She: You know, you can be an absolute asshole.
He: Wow!
She: Tonight, you can sleep on the couch, and leave
the television off, so I won’t have to listen to it
and your damn snoring!

The Left-Handed Whopper

The Left-Handed Whopper

In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.”

————————————————————

Another hoax found in my email.

 

Police Work At Its Best

From the email inbox:
*********************

Two policemen call the station on the radio:

“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”

“Yes.”

“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she has just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir. The floor is still wet.”

The Italian Lover

From the email inbox:

*********************

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”

Debate

Found this in the email.
************************

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me.

I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and
wonder at the constancy of the human condition.

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia
and I show him a copy of the Constitution.

I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements
and I show him a periodic table.

Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
wonder.

We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.