When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. ~Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, do you have any toy train schedules? -Steven Wright
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? ~Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it’s going to be up all night. -Steven Wright