The well known eccentric man of means, takes his battery operated toy poodle for a walk. When asked he walks a toy dog he replies, the dog needs to do its daily constitution. He tells people, that he is sick and tired of waking up in the morning, to see a puddle of pee, and a mound of shit on the floor. He never did say what he supposedly feeds the so-called dog, besides new batteries.
Quote By Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Source: Quote By Steven Wright
Quote By Mitch Hedberg
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”
Source: Quote By Mitch Hedberg
Children Can Be Sharp
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
Steven Wright Humor Quote
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”
– Steven Wright
Police Work At Its Best
From the email inbox:
*********************
Two policemen call the station on the radio:
“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”
“Yes.”
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she has just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Steven Wright Quote
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
– Steven Wright
The Italian Lover
From the email inbox:
*********************
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.
Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”
Irish Blond
Irish blond
An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all
men…are men!
Skydiving
If at first you don’t succeed then
skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
Steven Wright
Humor Quote
“I recently took up ice sculpting.
Last night I made an ice cube.
This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”
– Mitch Hedberg
Woody Allen Quote
When I was kidnapped,
my parents snapped
into action. They
rented out my room.
Woody Allen
Music & Art
“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”
– Woody Allen
Humor Quote
“I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg, http://www.bquot.es/s/1772
Humor Quote
“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.” –Terry Pratchett
Humor Quote
I drink to make
other people
more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
Random Thoughts On Aging
Found in the email.
· Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!· Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet!· The day the world runs out of wine & beer is just too terrible to think about!· I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!· I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!· Old age is coming at a really bad time!· When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!· The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”· Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!· I don’t have gray hair. I have “wisdom highlights”. I’m just very wise.· My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.· Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.· If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.· The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.· I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!· I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.· When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?· I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!· Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!· Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?· Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.· Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.· Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?· At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Humor Quote
December 6, 1955 –
Actor, Comedian, Writer
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s
supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
Source: Quotes Wave
Here is, Old Age at its Best
Here is, old age at its best.
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn’t show up. Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn’t know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and — lo and behold — there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?
Larry replied, ‘I have been in jail.’
‘Jail!’ cried Bob. What in the world for?’
‘Well,’ Larry said, ‘you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’
‘Yeah,’ said Bob, ‘I remember her. What about her?
‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.
‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
—————————————-
Found in the email inbox.
Just A Typical Guy
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Hard to say, dark.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package,
shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with direct
injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission,
and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left
door. At this point the husband started crying.
shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with direct
injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission,
and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left
door. At this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don’t worry sir. We’ll find your car.
——————————————–
From the email archive.
Hot Body
Found in my email:
Senior Trying to Set a Password
From the email archive:
Senior trying to set a password .
WINDOWS : Please enter your new password:
USER : “cabbage”
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: “boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER : “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER : “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER : “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER : “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS : Sorry, that password is already in use.
All-Terrain 4 Wheeler
—————————–
Above is from the email inbox.
Humor Quote
For my birthday I got a humidifier and
a dehumidifier… I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.
Steven Wright.
A Joke
If you tell a joke in the forest, but
nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Steven Wright
Laces
From the email inbox.
Last Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.””
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.””
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property ? …. the idiot had a paper route!”
———————————————————
Above is from the email inbox.
An Englishman In France
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side !!
Sales Meeting
Found in the email inbox:
The Funniest Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.
Found It
Another from the email inbox.
Somehow, you just always knew it was there somewhere.
She Forgot The Lipstick
Found in the email inbox.
Don’t you just hate it?…….you get all dressed up; you’re looking hot; smokin’ hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE…you forgot the lipstick…the whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!.
DANG !!
Over 40
From the email inbox:
Fun
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Jerry Seinfeld
Okay
Okay, so I’m outside getting some air. It is late, like 11:55 night late. A neighbor of comes out, and says,
“Nice Night.”
Me: “Yes it is, and a delightful one.”
He: “Nice and warm.”
Me: “Yup.”
He: “The moon looks nice too.”
Me: “In all its glory.”
He: When he decided to go back inside, he said, “Have a good day.”
Me: Why say that, when the time according to my phone reads 11:59 PM. I mean the day is already shot to hell. In another 60 seconds a new day will start. So why didn’t this moron wish me a good day then, instead of say, 10-11 hours earlier, when the day was still in its earlier stages. It would have picked up my spirits, feel lively, full of piss and vinegar, the cats meow, the bees knees, do an Irish Jig. But no. It never happened. Such is life.
A bit of fictitious humor, observation and/or rant: chuckle, chuckle, ha ha, groan, by A Pondering Mind.
Quote
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Steven Wright
Brainy Quote
A Thought From Aunty Acid
From the email inbox:
Uncle Seamus
From the email inbox:
Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while
before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded
onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?”
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to
his knees. “Dis’ll never do Mick. Let’s row some more.”
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?”
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No dis’ll
neva do.” The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.
“Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?”
“Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel?”
Humor Quote
Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.
— Edward Abbey
People
There are a lot of funny people and a lot of unfunny people.
Some of them are women and some of them are dudes.
— Lake Bell – Actress, Producer, Writer
New Best Seller: How To Understand Women
Note: When I took a break from blogging, the very next day, I came down with a nasty head cold. And it happened on the first day of spring. So my thinking is still bit foggy. With that said, here is a bit of humor from the email inbox.
Thought you should know that the abridged version of “Understanding Women” is finally out in paperback.
Meaning of the Resurrection
From the email inbox:
Got to love this kid…
MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand……..
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
Hail Mary
From the email inbox.
Why Seniors Need Newspapers
From the email inbox:
I was visiting my son last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my i-Pad.”
I can tell you this: That fly never knew what hit it.
Diapers: A True Story
From the email inbox:
I wake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers’, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”.
Well here is the low-down on the whole thing.
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper em.
When old people poop in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.
Retirement
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous.
When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
— George Burns
New iPad
A Daughter is visiting her Father. She asks: “Tell me dad, how are you
managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?”
He says “Good”.
This is in German but no subtitles needed:
Just click on the link below
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
Radar
From the email in box:
Sidewalk Ad Sign
From the email in box:
Remodeled Bathroom
Our bathroom has been remodeled, and quite frankly, it is quaint.
Photographer unknown
Bad Pilots
From the email inbox:
The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
‘I don’t like Chinese..’
‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’
‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’
‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.’
‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’
There’s a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.
‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.
‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.
‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
‘It was an iceberg!’
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah…all the same….
Paradise
From the email inbox:
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St.Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,and in the line of men
who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”
New Showerhead
Needed a new showerhead, so this is what the maintenance man installed. It works like a charm.
My First Condom
From the email inbox:
My First Condom.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….
104 Years Old
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked…
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
—–
From the email inbox
Sagging
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
——
From the email inbox
Windows
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”
Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
———
From the email inbox.
