Tag Archives: Funny

Bumper Sticker

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
~ George Carlin

Police Work At Its Best

From the email inbox:
*********************

Two policemen call the station on the radio:

“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”

“Yes.”

“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor
she has just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir. The floor is still wet.”

The Italian Lover

From the email inbox:

*********************

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”

Irish Blond

Irish blond

An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ….. but all
men…are men!

Music & Art

“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.”

– Woody Allen

Humor Quote

“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.” –Terry Pratchett

Random Thoughts On Aging

Found in the email.

·      Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
·      Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet!
·      The day the world runs out of wine & beer is just too terrible to think about!
·      I don’t trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
·      I don’t need anger management.  I need people to stop pissing me off!
·      Old age is coming at a really bad time!
·      When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!
·      The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
·      Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
·      I don’t have gray hair.  I have “wisdom highlights”.  I’m just very wise.
·      My people skills are just fine.  It’s my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
·      Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
·      If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
·      The kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please.  I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
·      I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!
·      I’m going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I’ll do the second week.
·      When did it change from “We the people” to “screw the people”?
·      I’ve lost my mind and I’m pretty sure my kids took it!
·      Even duct tape can’t fix stupid … but it can muffle the sound!
·      Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
·      Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.
·      Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
·      Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
·      At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

Humor Quote

Steven Wright December 6, 1955 - Actor, Comedian, Writer
Steven Wright
December 6, 1955 –
Actor, Comedian, Writer

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s
supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how
cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

 

 

 

Source: Quotes Wave

Here is, Old Age at its Best

Here is, old age at its best.

 Old Age

 

Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Larry didn’t show up. Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn’t know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and — lo and behold — there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?

Larry replied, ‘I have been in jail.’

‘Jail!’ cried Bob. What in the world for?’

‘Well,’ Larry said, ‘you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?’

‘Yeah,’ said Bob, ‘I remember her. What about her?

‘Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ‘guilty’.

‘The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.

—————————————-

Found in the email inbox.

Just A Typical Guy

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Hard to say, dark.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans — I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package,
shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with direct
injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission,
and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left
door. At this point the husband started crying.
Sergeant : Don’t worry sir. We’ll find your car.
——————————————–
From the email archive.

Senior Trying to Set a Password

From the email archive:

Senior trying to set a password .
 WINDOWS :  Please enter your new password:
USER :  “cabbage”
WINDOWS :  Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:   “boiled cabbage”
 WINDOWS :  Sorry, the password must  contain 1 numerical character.
USER:   “1 boiled cabbage”
WINDOWS:   Sorry, the password cannot  have blank spaces.
USER :  “50bloodyboiledcabbages”
WINDOWS :  Sorry, the password must  contain at least one upper case character.
USER :  “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”
 WINDOWS :  Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER :  “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!”
WINDOWS :  Sorry, the password cannot   contain punctuation.
USER : “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow”
WINDOWS :  Sorry, that password is  already in use.

Humor Quote

For my birthday I got a humidifier and
a dehumidifier… I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright.

A Joke

If you tell a joke in the forest, but
nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright

Last Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows  the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2  sons, are with him.
He  asks for 2 witnesses to be  present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and  when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take  the  Mayfair houses.””
My daughter “Sybil, you take the  apartments over in the east end.””
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the  offices over in the City Centre.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the  residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse  and witnesses are  blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings,  and as Doug  slips away,  the nurse says, “Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a  hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property ? …. the idiot had a paper route!”
———————————————————
Above is from the email inbox.

She Forgot The Lipstick

Found in the email inbox.

Don’t you just hate it?…….you get all dressed up; you’re looking hot; smokin’ hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.

Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE…you forgot the lipstick…the whole look you were after is gone to hell, right then and there!.
Untitled attachment 00010DANG !!

Okay

Okay, so I’m outside getting some air. It is late, like 11:55 night late. A neighbor of comes out, and says,
“Nice Night.”
Me: “Yes it is, and a delightful one.”
He: “Nice and warm.”
Me: “Yup.”
He: “The moon looks nice too.”
Me: “In all its glory.”
He: When he decided to go back inside, he said, “Have a good day.”
Me: Why say that, when the time according to my phone reads 11:59 PM. I mean the day is already shot to hell. In another 60 seconds a new day will start. So why didn’t this moron wish me a good day then, instead of say, 10-11 hours earlier, when the day was still in its earlier stages. It would have picked up my spirits, feel lively, full of piss and vinegar, the cats meow, the bees knees, do an Irish Jig. But no. It never happened. Such is life.

A bit of fictitious humor, observation and/or rant: chuckle, chuckle, ha ha, groan, by A Pondering Mind.

Uncle Seamus

From the email inbox:

Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.

They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while
before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded
onto their rowing boat.

After a while Mick says, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?”

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to
his knees. “Dis’ll never do Mick. Let’s row some more.”

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is
only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, “Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?”

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, “No dis’ll
neva do.” The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and
disappears! Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting
himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for
breath.

“Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?”

“Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel?”

New Best Seller: How To Understand Women

Note: When I took a break from blogging, the very next day, I came down with a nasty head cold. And it happened on the first day of spring. So my thinking is still bit foggy. With that said, here is a bit of humor from the email inbox.

Thought you should know that the abridged version of “Understanding Women” is finally out in paperback._Howto

Meaning of the Resurrection

From the email inbox:

Got to love this kid…

  MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION
           A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  
Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
         Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand……..ATT0000111
The pastor called on him and the little boy said,   “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”  
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

New iPad


A Daughter is visiting her Father. She asks: “Tell me dad, how are you
managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?”
He says “Good”.
This is in German but no subtitles needed:
Just click on the link below
http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

Bad Pilots

From the email inbox:

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
‘I don’t like Chinese..’

‘No rike Chinese?’ asks the co-pilot, ‘why not?’

‘You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!’

‘No, no’, the co-pilot protests, ‘Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.’

‘Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese….doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!’

There’s a few minutes of silence.
‘I no rike Jews!’ the co-pilot suddenly announces.

‘Oh yeah, why not?’ asks the captain.

‘Jews sink Titanic!’ says the co-pilot.

‘What? You’re insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!’ exclaims the captain,
‘It was an iceberg!’

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah…all the same….

Paradise

From the email inbox:

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.
I want all the women to report to St.Peter.” Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long,and in the line of men
who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household!
You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

My First Condom

From the email inbox:

         My First Condom.
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot   of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of  item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could  see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, not really.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it  were empty. It was. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the shit out of me….

104 Years Old

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked…
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

—–
From the email inbox

Sagging

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

——

From the email inbox

Windows

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
“Windows frozen, won’t open.”

Husband texts back:
“Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.”

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
“Computer really screwed up now.”
———
From the email inbox.

Senior Moments

image00100

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

 

One of the questions was:

 

“In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”

 

“F*ckin’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.
———————————-
Above from the email inbox

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cell Phone Etiquette

From the email inbox:

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
“Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting”.
“No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss”.
“No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life”.
“Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
“Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”

Sue doesn’t use her cell phone in public any longer

Mexican Pay Raise

From my email inbox:

 

The Mexican Maid
noname12

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”


Maria: “Jor huzban, he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”


Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”


Wife, increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Senora, the gardener deed.”

Wife: “So, how much do you want?”