Al Neuharth, Author, Born: March 22, 1924 – Died: April 19, 2013
Tag Archives: Funny
Hating People
“Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat.” ~ Harry Emerson Fosdick
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.” ~ Muhammad Ali
Twitter post from Aug 18, 2010
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.” ~ Jane Austen
Jane Austen (2005). “Jane Austen: 8 Books in 1”, p.460, Shoes & Ships & Sealing Wax
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” ~ Andy Rooney
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.” ~ Stan Laurel
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted? ~ George Carlin
It’s so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it’s this monster that consumes so many millennial lives. ~ Cazzie David
Pets – Anne Tyler
Eagles
Bumper Sticker
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin
Bananas
Serious Novels
Federico Felini “Life”
Fab Quote
George Carlin – American Dream
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
Quote By Steven Wright
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” Source: Quote By Steven Wright
Children Can Be Sharp
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
Chicago
Books – George Carlin Quote
Steven Wright Humor Quote
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1813
Monday Humor Quote
Humor Quote
Tuesday Humor
Friday Morning Humor Quote
Friday Afternoon Quote
Humor Quote
Humor Quote
Humor Quote – Yogi Berra
Quote
“A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion” – George Orwell http://www.bquot.es/s/2740
Police Work At Its Best
From the email inbox: ********************* Two policemen call the station on the radio: “Hello. Is that the Sarge?” “Yes.” “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped clean.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No sir. The floor is still wet.”
Steven Wright Quote
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1819
The Italian Lover
From the email inbox: ********************* The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to …
Irish Blond
Irish blond An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, …
Music & Art
“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.” – Woody Allen
Humor Quote
“I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg, http://www.bquot.es/s/1772
Humor Quote
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1822
Humor Quote
“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.” –Terry Pratchett
Humor Quote
I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway
A Humor Quote
Random Thoughts On Aging
Found in the email. · Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! · Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet! · The day the world runs out of wine & beer is just too …
No Better Feeling …
Brainy Quote
Navigator
Humor Quote
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Steven Wright Source: Quotes Wave
Here is, Old Age at its Best
Here is, old age at its best. Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn’t show up. Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry …
Funny Quote
Humor Quote
Just A Typical Guy
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? …
Hot Body
Found in my email:
Humor Quote
Brainy Quote
Humorous Quote
Senior Trying to Set a Password
From the email archive: Senior trying to set a password . WINDOWS : Please enter your new password: USER : “cabbage” WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: “boiled cabbage” WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: “1 boiled cabbage” WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER : “50bloodyboiledcabbages” WINDOWS : Sorry, …
Funny Quote
Funny Quote
Thursday Humor
Breakfast In Bed
Water Skiing
Wednesday Humor
Humorous Quote
“Vegetarian”
All-Terrain 4 Wheeler
—————————– Above is from the email inbox.
Reading
Taser
Ever wonder …
Humor Quote
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright.
A Joke
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
Laces
From the email inbox.
Last Will
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, “Bernie, …
Dictionary
Quote
Found It
Another from the email inbox. Somehow, you just always knew it was there somewhere.
She Forgot The Lipstick
Found in the email inbox. Don’t you just hate it?…….you get all dressed up; you’re looking hot; smokin’ hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you. Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE…you forgot the lipstick…the whole look you …
Quote
Over 40
From the email inbox:
Quote
Humor Quote
Fun
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld
Okay
Okay, so I’m outside getting some air. It is late, like 11:55 night late. A neighbor of comes out, and says, “Nice Night.” Me: “Yes it is, and a delightful one.” He: “Nice and warm.” Me: “Yup.” He: “The moon looks nice too.” Me: “In all its glory.” He: When he decided to go back …
Quote
I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright Brainy Quote
A Thought From Aunty Acid
From the email inbox:
Uncle Seamus
From the email inbox: Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to …
Humor Quote
Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second. — Edward Abbey Brainy Quote
People
There are a lot of funny people and a lot of unfunny people. Some of them are women and some of them are dudes. — Lake Bell – Actress, Producer, Writer Quotes Wave
New Best Seller: How To Understand Women
Note: When I took a break from blogging, the very next day, I came down with a nasty head cold. And it happened on the first day of spring. So my thinking is still bit foggy. With that said, here is a bit of humor from the email inbox. Thought you should know that the …
Meaning of the Resurrection
From the email inbox: Got to love this kid… MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of …
Hail Mary
From the email inbox.
New iPad
A Daughter is visiting her Father. She asks: “Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?” He says “Good”. This is in German but no subtitles needed: Just click on the link below http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
Getting Even
Sidewalk Ad Sign
From the email in box:
Remodeled Bathroom
Our bathroom has been remodeled, and quite frankly, it is quaint. Photographer unknown
Bad Pilots
From the email inbox: The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back …
Paradise
From the email inbox: When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all …
New Showerhead
Needed a new showerhead, so this is what the maintenance man installed. It works like a charm.
My First Condom
From the email inbox: My First Condom. I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in …
104 Years Old
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked… She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’ —– From the email inbox
Sagging
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. —— From the email inbox
Windows
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.” ——— From the email inbox.
Senior Moments
I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” “F*ckin’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer. ———————————- Above from the email inbox …
Cell Phone Etiquette
From the email inbox: After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, …
Soccer
From the inbox:
Eyes
From the email inbox:
A Pondering Mind 
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