“Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.” ~ John Locke, Philosopher ~ 1632-1704
“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.” ~ George Carlin
The well known eccentric man of means, takes his battery operated toy poodle for a walk. When asked he walks a toy dog he replies, the dog needs to do its daily constitution. He tells people, that he is sick and tired of waking up in the morning, to see a puddle of pee, and […]
Source: George Carlin – American Dream
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” Source: Quote By Steven Wright
“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” Source: Quote By Mitch Hedberg
Image Credit: http://themetapicture.com
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1813
“A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion” – George Orwell http://www.bquot.es/s/2740
From the email inbox: ********************* Two policemen call the station on the radio: “Hello. Is that the Sarge?” “Yes.” “We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she has just mopped clean.” “Have you arrested the woman?” “No sir. The floor is still wet.”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.” – Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1819
From the email inbox: ********************* The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido, was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to […]
Irish blond An attractive blond from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” with that, she stripped from the neck down, […]
“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.” – Woody Allen
“I got a king-sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.” – Mitch Hedberg, http://www.bquot.es/s/1772
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” Steven Wright http://www.bquot.es/s/1822
“Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying ‘End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH’, the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry.” –Terry Pratchett
I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway
Found in the email. · Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller! · Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet! · The day the world runs out of wine & beer is just too […]
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Steven Wright Source: Quotes Wave
Here is, old age at its best. Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn’t show up. Bob didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry […]
A husband went to police station to report his missing wife: Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? […]
Found in my email:
From the email archive: Senior trying to set a password . WINDOWS : Please enter your new password: USER : “cabbage” WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: “boiled cabbage” WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: “1 boiled cabbage” WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER : “50bloodyboiledcabbages” WINDOWS : Sorry, […]
—————————– Above is from the email inbox.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Steven Wright.
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Steven Wright
From the email inbox.
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, “Bernie, […]
Another from the email inbox. Somehow, you just always knew it was there somewhere.
Found in the email inbox. Don’t you just hate it?…….you get all dressed up; you’re looking hot; smokin’ hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you. Then, you happen to catch a quick glimpse of yourself in a mirror, and you suddenly REALIZE…you forgot the lipstick…the whole look you […]
From the email inbox:
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld
Okay, so I’m outside getting some air. It is late, like 11:55 night late. A neighbor of comes out, and says, “Nice Night.” Me: “Yes it is, and a delightful one.” He: “Nice and warm.” Me: “Yup.” He: “The moon looks nice too.” Me: “In all its glory.” He: When he decided to go back […]
I invented the cordless extension cord. Steven Wright Brainy Quote
From the email inbox:
From the email inbox: Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea. Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to […]
Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second. — Edward Abbey Brainy Quote
There are a lot of funny people and a lot of unfunny people. Some of them are women and some of them are dudes. — Lake Bell – Actress, Producer, Writer Quotes Wave
Note: When I took a break from blogging, the very next day, I came down with a nasty head cold. And it happened on the first day of spring. So my thinking is still bit foggy. With that said, here is a bit of humor from the email inbox. Thought you should know that the […]
From the email inbox: Got to love this kid… MEANING OF THE RESURRECTION A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of […]
From the email inbox.
A Daughter is visiting her Father. She asks: “Tell me dad, how are you managing with the new I-Pad we gave you for your birthday?” He says “Good”. This is in German but no subtitles needed: Just click on the link below http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/
From the email in box:
Our bathroom has been remodeled, and quite frankly, it is quaint. Photographer unknown
From the email inbox: The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back […]
From the email inbox: When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all […]
Needed a new showerhead, so this is what the maintenance man installed. It works like a charm.
From the email inbox: My First Condom. I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen’s pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in […]
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked… She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’ —– From the email inbox
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. —— From the email inbox
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.” Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.” Wife texts back 5 minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.” ——— From the email inbox.
I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” “F*ckin’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer. ———————————- Above from the email inbox […]
From the email inbox: After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Sue. I’m on the train”. “Yes, […]
From the inbox: