From the email inbox:
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go?
Wonder no more!!!!!!! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It’s so easy to fool OLD people.
I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!
Oh, quit whining, ( I fell for it, too)
Words that Really Ought to Exist
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.
Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving directions in
an overly critical manner.
Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.
Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.
Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.
Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.
Xerocks: two identical pieces of sYawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while yawning.
The above was found in the email inbox…
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with humour: “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side !!
Ever have the craving for a doughnut or donut, and are trying to find a bakery or shop that sells them. If you happen to see a cop(s) in a doughnut/donut shop, then you know they must be good. The other option is, if you spot a cop, stop and ask him who has the best doughnuts/donuts in town.
For the Brits, ask a Bobbie.
Canadians, ask a Mountie.
Other countries, well good luck.
They may think you are a some kind of smart ass, for asking them where you can get the best tasting doughnuts/donuts on Earth.
Found in the email inbox:
The Funniest Staff Meeting
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee… This is your peepee on drugs.
Found in the email inbox.
Don’t you just hate it?…….you get all dressed up; you’re looking hot; smokin’ hot! As you strut your stuff down the street, you can almost feel all the eyes upon you.
Burn your toast, anyone?
You do have options.
Toss it in the trash.
Scrape it, then eat it.
Give it to the birds.
Or save it, and use it in place of sandpaper,
or an emergency coaster for the coffee and/or end table.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Okay, so I’m outside getting some air. It is late, like 11:55 night late. A neighbor of comes out, and says,
Me: “Yes it is, and a delightful one.”
He: “Nice and warm.”
He: “The moon looks nice too.”
Me: “In all its glory.”
He: When he decided to go back inside, he said, “Have a good day.”
Me: Why say that, when the time according to my phone reads 11:59 PM. I mean the day is already shot to hell. In another 60 seconds a new day will start. So why didn’t this moron wish me a good day then, instead of say, 10-11 hours earlier, when the day was still in its earlier stages. It would have picked up my spirits, feel lively, full of piss and vinegar, the cats meow, the bees knees, do an Irish Jig. But no. It never happened. Such is life.
A bit of fictitious humor, observation and/or rant: chuckle, chuckle, ha ha, groan, by A Pondering Mind.
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Yesterday morning, Mortimer J. Finkdink III, was taking his morning stroll. He always stops in the local coffee shop, for his daily cup. He always gets a large, as he likes to last throughout his walk. After he left the shop, he ambled on along on one of his favorite streets. A few minutes later, a woman who has never seen before stopped him. He always liked saying hello to all the people he ran across, but was perplexed seeing this well endowed woman.
The following conversation ensued, and what happened shortly there after.
She: My name is Barbara ‘Boom Boom’ Sashay.
He: Nice to meet you, Barbara.
He: I’m Mortimer J. Finkdink III
She: I’m new in town.
He: I see.
She: Can I ask you a question?
She: Before I ask, I must tell you, I have 44DDDs.
She: So, would you like to see them?
She: Right here.
He: On the sidewalk in public?
He: You could get arrested for doing that.
She: So. Don’t you like big knockers?
He: Well, in a flustered, stammering way, ah yes I do, maam.
She: What’s the problem then?
He: This is not New York City, where it is legal for women to go bare chested.
She: Pretend we’re in New York.
He: Well, its not.
Then he had an itch on his shin, that he bent down to scratch, and all of a sudden, she lifts her shirt up, and swings her knockers, and caught him the side of the head, the nearly full cup of coffee, goes flying out of his hand. It landed on the windshield of a passing car, which scared the shit out of the driver, and proceeded to slam into the car in front of his, and then got rear ended.
After all was send and done, Barbara ‘Boom Boom’ Sashay, said, “If you only took me up on my offer to view my beauties, this would never had happened.
Eventually, Barbara ‘Boom Boom’ Sashay, got arrested, for being a public nuisance, and got to spend 10 days in the local hoosegow.
As for Mortimer J. Finkdink III, he never saw this coming.
Thought I’d give it a try at writing a short, humorous story. Fiction of course.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I would be married, but I have no wife, I would be married to a single life.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
Which came first the intestine or the tapeworm?
William S. Burroughs
Found in the email inbox:
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before
you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or
understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of
cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.
Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber &
dumber every year?
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re
sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a
little too far.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate
drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I
always hate bicyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their
car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail
on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push
the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes
closed, first time, every time!
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not
to answer when they call.
Another conversation between he and she.
She: Good morning.
He: Good morning, or is it a good morning.
She: I see your not in a good mood.
She: Yes, you.
He: Do you really want to know why I’m not in a good mood?
She: Please tell.
He: Well … I slept like shit.
She: Shit is not a good thing.
He: You got that right.
She: Since you slept as you say, like shit then that is not a good thing.
She: So how I can help you to make this a good morning?
He: First off, I need a good, strong mug of black coffee.
She: That’s a good thing for you.
He: Coffee is good, and good for the soul too.
She: I’ll stick with a good cup of tea.
He: Tea is good, but I’m not a morning tea drinker.
She: I know that.
He: Good that we agree on that.
She: How’s the coffee?
He: As good as it gets.
He: Now that the coffee is working, it looks like it’s going to be good day.
She: I love it when you have a good day, and a good evening too.
He: A good day, makes everything right with the world.
She: I hope tonight you get a good night’s sleep.
He: I’m planning on it.
She: Good of you to say that.
He: It’s all good.
From the email inbox: